You've left me in the dark...

In other news, I recently lost someone who was very special to me and it's completely sent me spinning. My cousin, Michele James, died on June 5th at the age of 31.

As kids, we were SUPER close. We would spend the entirety of family gatherings together just the two of us. Playing barbies, reading books, talking about boys - of course it changed as we got older. I would spend a week or two some summers with my cousin and my aunt at their lake house and we would just be in our own world.

Michele (left) and I at her 1st birthday.

We were SO alike and shared SO many interests. Our personalities even shared many similarities. We were both BITCHES. Seriously. LOL So a big fight was almost inevitable. And it doesn't even matter what it was over, it was so miniscule when I think about it now. And it kept us from speaking for SO long. Years. Like 7 or 8 almost. And of course, that's a huge regret now.

She finally got a Myspace page so I could stalk her- LOL. Then when that page disappeared and a Facebook page popped up I was able to check in on her from a distance again. I finally worked up the nerve to speak to her and sent her a message about her hair color. She'd dyed it black and I thought it suited her very well. Then, when their family dog passed away from old age I made a collage of photos for her mom and sent her a copy of it, the gates were open and she was back in my life again.

I think, as adults, we had more similarities than ever. She also had a passion for photography and she was really good. Abandoned and derelict things were among her favorites, which if you follow my blog, you know is one of my favorite things to shoot as well.

By Michele James

By Michele James

By Michele James

By Michele James

She shared her troubles with me and in return let me share mine with her. If only I could have been there for everything. I only got to have her back in my life for a year. Living 8 hours away from each other, we didn't quite get to spend time with each other again. Michele lived in Lubbock, TX where she was a sonogram specialist.

When she got sick with meningitis and the doctors started being very cryptic, my family and I loaded up to make the drive to Lubbock. She was in quarantine in ICU, but after putting on safety coverings, I got to go in and see her. She was in so much pain and in and out of it from the medications she was on but she knew I was there. I told her I loved her and to be strong, but I couldn't speak without tears filling my eyes. Her body was being ravaged, her extremities were turning black and dying because they were flowing all of her circulation to her core to keep her organs going. It was so hard seeing her that way. The second day they wouldn't let us enter due to the risk to her and us. My niece and my daughter colored her pictures with grey cats, just like her beloved Harley, and they put them in the room where she could see them. We had to leave that Saturday evening.

Sunday her heart gave out several times and her family finally came to the conclusion to take her off of life support. She fought until she was ready and finally slipped away from us.

Her memorial was on my birthday, June 11th. I won't go into the details of why I am sick about her memorial - just that it was less about her and more of a Sunday sermon. I did get up and speak about her. A lot of what I said has been repeated here. I took my iphone with me, desperately wanting to play this song that is encompassing of how I am feeling without her - but couldn't work up the nerve to just do it w/o permission. So I will play it here, for Michele:

A fallen star,
Fell from your heart,
And landed in my eyes,

I screamed aloud,
As it tore through them,
And now it's left me blind,

The stars, the moon,
They have all been blown out,
You left me in the dark,

No dawn, no day,
I'm always in this twilight,
In the shadow of your heart,

And in the dark,
I can hear your heartbeat, I try to find the sound,
But then it stopped,
And I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became,

The stars, the moon,
They have all been blown out,
You left me in the dark,
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/f/florence_and_the_machine/cosmic_love.html ]
No dawn, No day,
I'm always in this twlight,
In the shadow of your heart,

Ooooh (x8)

I took the stars from my eyes,
And then I made a map,
I knew that some how,
I could find my way back,

Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too,
So I stayed in the darkness with you,

The stars, the moon,
They have all been blown out,
You left me in the dark,

No dawn, no day,
I'm always in the twilight,
In the shadow of your heart,

The stars, the moon,
They have all been blown out,
You left me in the dark, (you left me in the dark)

No dawn, no day,
I'm always in this twlight,
In the shadow of your heart,

Ooooh (x8)

Needless to say, I am a wreck about this and I haven't started accepting new appointments yet. With the shadow and random crying, I don't think it's best for now. I know she wouldn't want me to linger in sadness, I don't want to but my heart is still too heavy right now.